Is It Time to Update Your Relationship Resume?

Posted On: April 23, 2014 0 Comments

Update your love resume

Do you think they’d “hire” you to be their CEO of Love?

If you’ve been dating online for awhile, odds are you’ve learned some things about yourself and those you’ve been attracting.  That information makes it an ideal time to make sure that your dating profile is still the best representation of you. So if you slapped up a few haphazard sentences and a random photo of yourself over a glass of wine on a lonely Friday night, it might be time to take a second look at your relationship resume.

Your dating profile is essentially your relationship resume. You’re looking for someone to hire you as their significant other. You need to consider if your profile gives a clear, honest picture of who you are and provides enough information to see if they want to get to know you better. That long essay or few sentences you write gives clues to others about the kind of person you are and the type relationship they might have with you.

Would you hire you for love?

Before changing anything, take a look at what you currently have up and try to imagine what it looks like to someone that’s never met you. Do you think they’d “hire” you to be their CEO of Love? Remember this is their first impression of you. Consider the following questions:

  • Does your profile clearly express who you are?
  • Is your profile an honest representation of what you’re capable of in a relationship?
  • Is it obvious to the reader what kind of person and relationship you’re looking for?
  • Are you looking for a long term committed relationship, but stating in your profile that you like to party and have pics up with you constantly at happy hour? You might want to adjust this.
  • What kind of relationship do you want? Are you looking for something casual or long-term? Are you just looking to meet new people and have fun? Do you think you’ve made your relationship intentions clear in your profile?
  • What do your images say about who you are? Do you have captions to give them a bit more life?

Do your research

If you aren’t exactly sure how to analyze your own profile, a great way to get the ideas flowing is to check out the profiles of both your competition and possible dates. Sometimes it’s easier to clarify our likes and dislikes while looking at others profiles since we aren’t so close to the subject matter. This time when you look at profiles note what you like (and here’s the important part) note why you like those traits. Do the same with what you dislike.  What attracts you to them or turns you off?  Is there something similar that you could incorporate into your own profile or something you should be taking out?   This research will help give you a fresh perspective for your own profile.

Share your passion, clarify your goals

Now that you’ve taken a look at other profiles and noted what attracts or repels you, revisit your own profile. Make sure you’ve clearly stated what you’re looking for and go beyond the website provided check boxes. Let visitors to your profile know what you’re passionate about. Maybe even outline what a fun lazy Sunday afternoon is like with you so that it’s easier for someone to see if they might be a fit.  Review your photos. Are they all the same close-up of your face or do you have a good variety of photos? I suggest at least three or four photos and please make sure they are within the last year or so.

If you past relationship defines you, step away from dating

A word about mentioning your past relationships in your profile. Just like you wouldn’t complain about an old boss on your resume, don’t complain about ex’s or discuss that you’re fresh out of a marriage or long-term relationship. If you recently ended a relationship or feel really compelled to mention that fact in your profile you may want to hold off dating until you have worked through your feelings about that.  The last thing you want to do is drag residue from your past relationship into a new one.

Remember that this profile provides the first pieces of the puzzle someone will have about you.  While you should never lie, there are some pieces of information that should be left for face to face conversations or worked through if they are still front and center in your mind. You should be in a positive state of mind when you put yourself out there to date and your profile should reflect that.

Make sure your shine shows

As they say you never have a second chance to make a first impression that’s certainly true for job resumes and also for dating profiles you post. Make sure that when someone’s eyes go past your profile that it’s easy for people to see the things that make you shine.  So, if they pass you up it’s because it’s simply not a fit and not because they didn’t get the full picture of who you are what you’re looking for. The job of significant other is one of the most important you’ll hold, so make sure that your profile represents you to the best of your loving relationship abilities.

Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit

Posted On: April 23, 2014 0 Comments

The Words We Say

Posted On: April 21, 2014 0 Comments

I sometimes think about the words we say. Maybe it’s the writer in me. Or the aspiring relationship counsellor with a specific interest in communication. Either way, I do believe that the words we say affect the world around us. I know I have written here before about the messages in the pictures on dating profiles. But I have been equally turned on or off by the words on a profile. And it makes me wonder, what kinds of words will attract what kinds of potential suitors? And what kinds of relationships will be built on those words?

words to use in a dating profileI remember being on a quasi-first-date where the words we said became more open and honest as the wine continued to flow. At one point he began talking about his past relationship and why it ended. I remember thinking it was too soon for those words and I didn’t want to dwell on the negatives. So I guided the conversation in a slightly different direction by asking, “What’s one thing you really liked about that relationship, that you might want to find or create in a future relationship?”

I don’t remember the exact words that led to this conversation. I don’t even care to remember, to be honest.

I do, however, remember the thing he liked about that previous relationship that he wants to find again. And I felt like I learned more about him in that one answer than I had in the 30 minutes of words that led up to it!

I have experienced similar while reading on-line profiles. Those that dwell on what they don’t want from prospective suitors – compared to those that explore the possibility of shared interest and connection by emphasizing what they do want. Those that seem to refer to past failures, disappointments and hurts; stuck on how negative their experiences have been and not wanting to repeat those patterns – compared to those that seem to refer to past adventures, successes and happiness, as well as future dreams, hopes, and desires.

Perhaps even here, as I mentioned with the pictures, it is the mystery of the spaces in between the words we say that offers more. But it is the tone – be it negative or positive – that determines whether or not to be drawn in to wanting to know more.

Those words shared on that quasi-first-date were eye-opening for me not only about him, but about myself. Because I want to draw people into the spaces between the words I say, by presenting a positive tone; with uplifting, hope-filled, open words. And I wondered what I might learn about myself if I started being truly honest about what I want more of, and not settling for less. I wondered what kind of suitor and relationship I might find if I started looking for more of the things I had liked in previous relationships or dating situations.

What if we really could start to build the kind of relationship(s) we truly want, by naming and looking for more of the things we liked about past relationships, rather than trying to avoid the things we didn’t like? What if this seemingly simple shift in the words we say – on profiles and in conversations – could truly have such a powerful impact?

~ BA.

WWbethAnnBeth Ann is an aspiring relationship counsellor and closet romantic. Broken, bruised, and blessed by love; continually seeking to re-discover hope for herself, her friends, and future clients!

Posted On: April 21, 2014 0 Comments

Don’t Look for a Husband Online

Posted On: April 17, 2014 0 Comments

Disclaimer: I met my husband online and I’m very happily married. But, when I put up my dating profile I wasn’t looking for a husband. This post is in response to the websites and dating books and philosophies that claim you can simply manifest a husband from wishes and piece of wedding cake shoved under your pillow. There are many women that think online dating is supposed to deliver a husband into their inbox and I’m here to tell you that’s just not how it works.  While it is important to know you’re open to the idea of marriage, it doesn’t mean you should be looking at dating profiles looking for “the one”. There are quite a few things you should nail down before looking for a husband online.

Do you want a role or a relationship?

Dont look for a husband on online datingMany of us go through life with a checklist of what we “should” have in our lives.  It generally includes things like: a great paying job, perfect wedding, awesome husband, house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat and 2 weeks vacation in Hawaii every year.  It’s good to have dreams and goals. But living your life according to a checklist of “shoulds” sidesteps some of the most important elements of having a truly healthy loving relationship and a happy life.

If you insist on having a list, make sure it includes this “should”. You should be giving a whole lot of consideration and thought to the type of person you want to share your life with.  Think beyond appearances, money and superficial trappings.  Invite someone into your life that loves you for exactly who you are.  Don’t look for just any man to fill the role of husband.  Look for someone you truly connect with and if a relationship turns into something more, like marriage, that’s awesome. But don’t let those wedding bell blinders deter you from a casual relationship that could grow into something more or directs you towards dating men who are only looking to check off the “wife” box on their own life checklist.

Want what YOU want

I recently read an article about a woman called the Princeton Mom who stated that women should go to college primarily to find a husband.  She said that they should spend 75% of their time looking for a husband and 25% working on their education. Last time I checked it’s 2014 and women have careers, dreams and aspirations of their own and marriage may be only one of them.  While that philosophy may have worked in 1950 it’s pretty prehistoric now. Some women approach online dating with the same philosophy as the Princeton Mom. Yes the goal of online dating is to find a partner,  but putting that much pressure on meeting and finding a husband is a backwards approach. If you go into every conversation, first date or meeting with a potential suitor trying to shove them into the husband box, it’s going to turn a great opportunity to get to know someone into to a stress filled interview for matrimony.

Consider why you are looking for a husband online. Maybe you’re feeling pressure to get married from family, friends or society in general. In our culture if you’re female and past the age of 27, you’re told that your internal clock is ticking, you’re not getting any younger and you’s better get married soon. If you are using this as your marriage barometer, you’re searching for a partner based on the wrong expectations.

Look for a relationship and love because it’s what you really want and what you’re truly ready for.  This may come as a shock but it’s OK to be single for a little while or a long while if that’s what makes you happy.  We humans often go around looking for love to fill a void rather than because we are really ready for a relationship. I suspect that if you are looking for a Husband (with a capital H) online you are not really ready for a relationship because it means you’re looking for someone to fill a role rather than someone to develop a relationship with.

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Jospeh Campbell

As I mentioned before I meet my husband online. When we started dating, I was going through divorce and being someone’s wife was the last thing on my mind. There were certainly things that made me feel like this could turn into something more. I chose to appreciate every moment for as long as it lasted.

Here’s a secret to knowing when you do have something good. I felt that it could be something more because I wasn’t worrying about where it was going or how long it would last.  I was present in the moment and enjoying what was going on, I wasn’t wondering where things were going, or wondering if he was marriage material. Our relationship naturally unfolded and eventually grew into love and marriage. It’s amazing what happens when you let go of the expectations you have for your life and leave room for unknown possibility.  For me it’s been even better than I could’ve imagined.

The next time you see a website that claims your future husband can be found there, or a read a book that tells you can catch and keep the husband of your dreams, take it with a grain of salt. There is so much more to love and compatibility that needs to be established before you can ever decide that someone is marriage material.

Be confident in who you are. Decide what you want to consciously invite into your life and then radiate that outward your to find someone that gets the gift you are. Don’t go looking for a husband online, look for a partner that enhances the life you already have and for a relationship with room to grow.

Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit

Posted On: April 17, 2014 0 Comments

Let’s Be Honest

Posted On: April 7, 2014 0 Comments

What to do when you get caught online after a dateJust like that, I was caught red-handed online after a first-meet date… He messaged a coy hello – clearly he’d been “caught” as well! Then proceeded to ask for my honest thoughts about our in-person meeting.

What to say, what to say? I mean he truly was a nice enough guy. I just didn’t feel a level of attraction and connection, of maturity and emotional awareness that I was looking for. Even after our slightly flirtatious e-mails and texts. Sure sometimes those things grow or change with more time spent getting to know each other. But other times, you just know.

While I will admit to having used sugar-coated vague excuses or avoidance strategies with awkward conversations, I am actually a promoter of honesty. It’s not always easy. There is often the potential for hurt feelings; for words to come out not quite right and messages to be mixed or unclear; for a friendship to change or end when feelings are not mutual. But thinking about the responses or lack thereof that I have received in the past, it is the clear and honest ones that I have appreciated the most. So many hours of agonizing analysis among friends (would) have been saved by a clear and honest response! If this is what I want from others I encounter in my life, it’s only fair that I offer the same in return.

And so I took a deep breath and carefully typed the truth. In a nice reassuring way of course. He tried to counter-argue at first, but in the end expressed appreciation for my honesty. Rather than waste time convincing me or trying him out, we went our separate ways having crossed off one more name from the on-line list.

I have been in other awkward situations where honesty has proven to be the best policy. Like the on-line suitor who agreed that the first-meet was fun, but he had since moved to a more serious place with someone else met on-line before me. Disappointing, yes. But a much better response than vague excuses or none-at-all.

And the friend who, after months of patient persistence, asked me point-blank why I wouldn’t give “us” a chance? The open and honest conversations that followed, I knew, may have threatened the friendship. But these conversations contain the possibility for meaningful connection as well. Whether for a brief moment over e-mail as with the on-line suitors, or resulting in a closer friendship after time to process!

For some, the honest words to soothe a possibly awkward situation flow easily. For the rest of us there is now help!  The Awkward Human Survival Guide: How to Handle Life’s Most Uncomfortable Situations offers suggestions. This book was being promoted on one of those panel talk-shows on TV the other day, where they zeroed in on the awkward situation of how to tell someone you are not interested in them. I have to say I agreed with their general consensus of the best way to do so:

Be Kind and Direct.

Be Honest and Clear.

Be sure to leave no room for speculation by ending the comment(s) with a confident period.

~ BA.

WWbethAnnBeth Ann is an aspiring relationship counsellor and closet romantic. Broken, bruised, and blessed by love; continually seeking to re-discover hope for herself, her friends, and future clients!

Posted On: April 7, 2014 0 Comments