Disclaimer: I met my husband online and I’m very happily married. But, when I put up my dating profile I wasn’t looking for a husband. This post is in response to the websites and dating books and philosophies that claim you can simply manifest a husband from wishes and piece of wedding cake shoved under your pillow. There are many women that think online dating is supposed to deliver a husband into their inbox and I’m here to tell you that’s just not how it works. While it is important to know you’re open to the idea of marriage, it doesn’t mean you should be looking at dating profiles looking for “the one”. There are quite a few things you should nail down before looking for a husband online.
Do you want a role or a relationship?
Many of us go through life with a checklist of what we “should” have in our lives. It generally includes things like: a great paying job, perfect wedding, awesome husband, house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat and 2 weeks vacation in Hawaii every year. It’s good to have dreams and goals. But living your life according to a checklist of “shoulds” sidesteps some of the most important elements of having a truly healthy loving relationship and a happy life.
If you insist on having a list, make sure it includes this “should”. You should be giving a whole lot of consideration and thought to the type of person you want to share your life with. Think beyond appearances, money and superficial trappings. Invite someone into your life that loves you for exactly who you are. Don’t look for just any man to fill the role of husband. Look for someone you truly connect with and if a relationship turns into something more, like marriage, that’s awesome. But don’t let those wedding bell blinders deter you from a casual relationship that could grow into something more or directs you towards dating men who are only looking to check off the “wife” box on their own life checklist.
Want what YOU want
I recently read an article about a woman called the Princeton Mom who stated that women should go to college primarily to find a husband. She said that they should spend 75% of their time looking for a husband and 25% working on their education. Last time I checked it’s 2014 and women have careers, dreams and aspirations of their own and marriage may be only one of them. While that philosophy may have worked in 1950 it’s pretty prehistoric now. Some women approach online dating with the same philosophy as the Princeton Mom. Yes the goal of online dating is to find a partner, but putting that much pressure on meeting and finding a husband is a backwards approach. If you go into every conversation, first date or meeting with a potential suitor trying to shove them into the husband box, it’s going to turn a great opportunity to get to know someone into to a stress filled interview for matrimony.
Consider why you are looking for a husband online. Maybe you’re feeling pressure to get married from family, friends or society in general. In our culture if you’re female and past the age of 27, you’re told that your internal clock is ticking, you’re not getting any younger and you’s better get married soon. If you are using this as your marriage barometer, you’re searching for a partner based on the wrong expectations.
Look for a relationship and love because it’s what you really want and what you’re truly ready for. This may come as a shock but it’s OK to be single for a little while or a long while if that’s what makes you happy. We humans often go around looking for love to fill a void rather than because we are really ready for a relationship. I suspect that if you are looking for a Husband (with a capital H) online you are not really ready for a relationship because it means you’re looking for someone to fill a role rather than someone to develop a relationship with.
“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Jospeh Campbell
As I mentioned before I meet my husband online. When we started dating, I was going through divorce and being someone’s wife was the last thing on my mind. There were certainly things that made me feel like this could turn into something more. I chose to appreciate every moment for as long as it lasted.
Here’s a secret to knowing when you do have something good. I felt that it could be something more because I wasn’t worrying about where it was going or how long it would last. I was present in the moment and enjoying what was going on, I wasn’t wondering where things were going, or wondering if he was marriage material. Our relationship naturally unfolded and eventually grew into love and marriage. It’s amazing what happens when you let go of the expectations you have for your life and leave room for unknown possibility. For me it’s been even better than I could’ve imagined.
The next time you see a website that claims your future husband can be found there, or a read a book that tells you can catch and keep the husband of your dreams, take it with a grain of salt. There is so much more to love and compatibility that needs to be established before you can ever decide that someone is marriage material.
Be confident in who you are. Decide what you want to consciously invite into your life and then radiate that outward your to find someone that gets the gift you are. Don’t go looking for a husband online, look for a partner that enhances the life you already have and for a relationship with room to grow.
Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com.