5 Things to Do Before Your Next Relationship

Posted On: October 16, 2014 0 Comments

Casual girl having funWhile it might seem like a fine idea to get over your broken heart by jumping into a new relationship, it’s really not so wise. From a distraction standpoint of course it can be fun to dabble in those feelings of attraction and potential love. But if you’ve recently had your heart broken, there are some things you should do before diving right back into dating. Otherwise, you are doomed to repeat the past.

Because I don’t want you to do that, here are five things to do before your next relationship.

​1.) ​ Take care of #1

One of the most important things that will make you a great partner is knowing how to take care of yourself. Take care of your emotional self by being aware of what drains you, stresses you out and also what energizes and inspires you. Take care of your physical self and make sure that you’re eating right, getting enough sleep, and exercising. Make time for things that you enjoy. Carve out time to do the things that keep your life positive and moving forward, schedule time if you have to.

It’s going to be much easier to maintain a balance of your needs vs. the needs of a new relationship, if you have a good sense of what makes your emotional and physical systems run efficiently. That way, the next time a potential relationship comes around, you’ll allow it in because it adds to your life rather than distracting you from it.  Remember, even when you’re in a relationship your individuality is still important.

2.) ​ Be OK with me, myself and I

Being alone seems to be one of the hardest things for people to come to terms with. For many of us, being alone for extended periods of time in our life can sound like a terrifying prospect. And society certainly doesn’t help matters by making it seem like there is something wrong with you if you’re not paired up.

Why is being alone so scary? Maybe it’s because we fear being alone with our thoughts. Or that we might have to actually deal with some of our own issues, rather than distracting ourselves with a relationship or other people’s problems.  Whatever the reason, it’s hard to convince some people that it’s OK to be alone for awhile.

In actuality it’s important that that were able to be alone. It allows us to think our own thoughts, have our own opinions and not hold them up against someone else’s worldview. As important as it is to have relationships and interact with people, it’s just as important to have a strong relationship with yourself.

Don’t jump into a new relationship simply because you’re afraid to be alone. Be okay with seeing a movie by yourself, going for a walk alone are just sitting with your own thoughts. The better you get at being alone and strengthening who you are, the more likely you are to bring your best into a new relationship.

3.) ​ Clear out your baggage

Breakups tend to come with some baggage.  The more painful and anxiety producing your last relationship was, the more baggage you tend take away. Baggage shows up in the form of feelings of sadness, rejection and the fear of letting any of those messy feelings ever happen again.  It’s a natural tendency for us as humans to want to protect ourselves from hurt and damage.  But if your protective tendencies are overshadowing your ability to move on…you’ve got some baggage.

The other baggage is stuff that you were carrying around long before you met your last partner.  This is the stuff that informs your ideas of love and relationships.  If you have unrealistic expectations about love and are finding your relationships are continually not working out, you may have some baggage to deal with there as well.

If you don’t want to repeat your past patterns, be willing to sort through some of your love baggage. Keep what works, toss what doesn’t and learn from the rest. Otherwise you’re just going to bring it with you into your next relationship.

4.) ​ Know what you want

dating, online dating, matecheckOnce you go through that aforementioned baggage and know what you’re dealing with, get clear about what it is you’re actually looking for in a relationship. Consider what kind of person is going to enhance who you are and where you want your life to go. When you know what you want out of a relationship it’s a whole lot easier to spot it when it comes your way. It also keeps you from accepting just any old warm body. When you know what you want, you’re much likelier to get it.

5.) ​ Dating should not feel like another job. 

If the very thought of dating fills you with dread, you may need to take some more time for self reflection and an attitude adjustment.  Dating should be fun, exciting and full of potential. Don’t approach every date like you’re meeting “the one”. Keep your dates casual and relaxed. Make it an opportunity to get to know a new person regardless of the outcome and don’t take it personally if it doesn’t work. Date when you are in the right state of mind for it and don’t treat it like another to-do to check off your list.

Take some time to get your life together before you date again. Don’t use dating as a distraction to avoid working through your baggage. I guarantee that if you do, that stuff that didn’t work in your last couple of relationships is not going to magically resolve itself with someone new. If you want success in your next relationship take the time and put in the effort.


Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com

Posted On: October 16, 2014 0 Comments

Brantford Resident Loses $9,000 in Online Dating Scam

Posted On: October 14, 2014 0 Comments

online dating fraud

A 60-year-old Brantford woman has been defrauded of about $9,000 in an online dating scam.

The woman told police Thursday that she had recently “met” a man on an online dating site and he had told her he was travelling to Africa on an unexpected business trip. He then contacted the woman and told her he was in Africa and was having financial difficulties because his credit card had been declined. He convinced the woman to forward money to him…

Read More: Brantford Expositor

It can be tempting to blame the victim of an online dating scam, but it is important to remember that nobody deserves to lose their life’s savings to a con artist. Those who send money to these predators believe they can be trusted, and the predators work hard to gain their target’s confidence.

In 2011, romance scams became the most profitable form of fraud affecting Canadians, according to the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre. Online dating scam artists will often persuade their victims that the scammer is in a bad situation—missing paperwork, a declined credit card, a profitable but barely underfunded business venture, some legal technicality—something which can only be solved with a small transfer of money. Their requests can seem reasonable at first, but the more the victim lends, the stronger they become invested in the promised future with the con artist. The target believes they could throw everything they have sacrificed away by refusing the next request.

The best practice if someone you met online or dated briefly begs you for money is to brake off contact. Do not ask them to explain themselves, as a con artist will come up with a reasonable excuse. If they really need money, they should be able to get a proper loan somewhere else. If the banks do not trust this person enough to lend money, why should you?

There are also online tools that can help. MateCheck is a secure self-verification service for Canadians, which can verify identity, criminal record, bankruptcy, and the status of a legal divorce.  In an age of online obfuscation, it can be reassuring to know that your new interests are who they say they are.

Posted On: October 14, 2014 0 Comments

Find Someone That Loves the Way You Do

Posted On: October 10, 2014 0 Comments

LoveFalling in love is simple once you are aware of the things that can make it complicated. We grow up surrounded by images of what love is supposed to look like. In the movies and in fairy tales everything falls into place perfectly. You meet, you fall in love and it’s onto happily ever after. But if you’ve been in love before, you know there’s a bit more to it than that.

If you find that your heart keeps getting trampled on, it might be because expected past partners to have the same definition of love. The key to a lasting relationship is to understand how you love and then find someone that loves the way that you do.

What do you mean “loves the way I do”?

Somewhere lodged deeply in your heart and mind you’ve formulated what you think love looks and acts like.  That means when you meet a potential love interest you start to look for the things that represent love to you.  They are in the form of verbal and nonverbal cues, behaviors, gestures and the surge of those love hormones and feelings.  They are whatever defines love to you.  And just as you have your own code and definition of love, so does everyone else.

What does love look like to you?

First, you have to figure out how you define love. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How do I define love?
  • How do I act when I’m in love?
  • What I say and how do I behave?
  • How do I feel when I’m in love?
  • What kinds of things do I expect my partner say and how do expect them to behave?
  • What kinds of things do I think my partner should do for me if they love me?  What would they never do if they loved me?
  • How do I know when I don’t love someone or when someone doesn’t love me?

The goal in answering these questions is to get a clear picture of what your expectations are about love and relationships. Knowing this, will help you see where you relationships have gone right and where they’ve gone wrong.  When you can define what you want out of love and what it looks like to you, it will become much more obvious why a past relationship or series of relationships haven’t worked.

Sorry but you did not meet or exceed my expectations

Think about a relationship in your life that really crashed and burned. Pinpoint some moments that really stand out as just plain wrong.  How did those moments not meet your expectations of love? Also, consider when a partner has met your expectations.  The bottom line is when a relationship doesn’t work it’s because you and your partner don’t have the same expectations about love and relationships.

Growth and change

online dating trust matecheckIf you had a whole lot of relationships that haven’t worked it can also be because you have unobtainable expectations about love.  For instance, maybe you feel hurt that you partner doesn’t constantly lavish you with gifts and romantic surprise. While romantic gestures are nice,  it’s not reasonable to expect that it’s going to happen all the time. And frankly if it did happen constantly it would sort of suck the “special” out of it anyway.  In reviewing your answers to the questions above , really think about what those answers mean in a practical everyday functional sense.  Are you looking for things that encourage growth as a couple and longevity in a relationship (like wanting good communication) or are you stuck on superficial desires that really only scratch the surface of what it means to have a partnership?

I have suggested that the reason many relationships fail I because the people involved have divergent ideas about love.  But it can also mean that you need to look at some of your own expectations and see if they are really working for you.

Love is easy….kind of

Popular culture wants us to believe that love should be easy and if you love each other it will all just magically work out. “Love will find a way”, “Love conquers all” … you know the drill.   But love is only one facet of a healthy lasting relationship.  It also requires that the two people have similar expectations about love.  It’s important to realize that your idea of love may not be their idea of love.

While this may all sound like a lot of work, finding someone who loves like you do become much easier when you first know what you personally expect from love.  It creates the filter that allows you see the right kinds of partners coming and steers you away from those that have a very different definition than you do.

So how do you define love?

CijaBlack1Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com

Posted On: October 10, 2014 0 Comments

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: the Top 5 Worst Break-up Tactics

Posted On: October 9, 2014 0 Comments

Broken Heart CoupleAt Wink Wisely, we encourage loving, life-long relationships.  This said, it comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a relationship that there are almost always bumps along the road to marital bliss.  Very few of us are lucky enough to marry our high-school sweethearts and, with divorce rates at an all time high, more people than ever are searching tirelessly to find “the one”.  And – while the bumps are inevitable – there is no need to make the road rougher than it needs to be.  To this end, the following is a list of the top five most insensitive ways to break up with your partner.

The Cowardly Call-Off

In a world bombarded by social media, many of us tend to forget the importance of human interaction.  Through texts, e-mails, and telephone calls can save time and promote efficiency in the business world and on personal time, technology should not be used as a shortcut for the termination of a relationship.

One of my most insensitive break-ups occurred in my first year of university when I received a text message in the middle of my Romance and Chivalry of Epic Fiction class.  Not only was I caught completely off guard by the message, but it was also one of the worst times to receive a text message with bad news.  Serious information should never be sent wirelessly as the sender has no idea what type of situation the receiver will be in at the moment he or she opens the message.  In my case, I may have been unlucky to get a break-up message via text but the irony of receiving such a cowardly and unmanly text during a Romance and Chivalry class was overwhelmingly fitting.

Public Humiliation

One basic rule for breaking up: don’t do it while surrounded by people.  Especially people you both know.  Going to a public place such as a quiet coffee shop is acceptable but always try to minimize the amount of onlookers.  Your relationship should not be a spectacle for the awe and amusement of others.

Additionally, neutral ground is good but be careful not to choose a place you know is frequented by friends, family, and co-workers.  Having once found myself in a situation where my boyfriend’s friend unknowingly sat-in on a would-be break-up, I can safely say that there are better ways to tackle the moment.

Choose a low-traffic, neutral (not one of your houses), quiet spot where you can both feel as comfortable as possible while pulling off the metaphorical Band-Aid.

The Vehicular Trap

A fan-favourite of ghosts of boyfriends past and fathers tackling difficult subjects, the Vehicular Trap involves chauffeuring the person-in-question around town and driving, looking straight ahead to avoid all eye contact, while asking the tough questions.

This tactic – perfected by an ex of mine one fateful Thanksgiving weekend– is an incredible evasive, impersonal, and insensitive act.  As if it weren’t enough to end a relationship with someone, to drive him or her around the city while they patiently await their pending doom (a doom which normally only materializes in full after the car enters ‘park’) is just rude.

Everyone deserves the courtesy of proper eye contact and the ability to walk away.  Don’t be the person to take that away from them.

The Fade Away 

A term that should only be applied to a basketball shot, the Fade Away is essentially the go to break-up move for those too afraid to end a relationship at all.  This dastardly decision to avoid all confrontation is apparently more common than I had originally thought.  I was under the impression that I may have been a lone victim of the Fade Away until I saw the same scenario that hurt me twice addressed in the movie Nesting.

In the film, the leading man openly admitted to having dated a girl, getting bored with the relationship, and simply avoiding her.  He stopped contacting her, avoided her messages, and outright pretended as if nothing had ever happened.  The movie’s character justified his actions by saying he was simply “pulling a Fade Away” and letting her move on on her own.  Though I cannot be sure of what goes through the minds of those who fade away, speaking as a victim of the ploy, if you are one of these men and women, you are not doing the other party any favors.

The Waiting Game

online dating relationshipsThe final poor break-up tactic consists of one party knowing it is over and failing to terminate it.  The Waiting Game differs from the Fade Away in that the waiter does not ignore his or her partner but instead carries on with the relationship with very little change.  The frequency of texts might dwindle, more arguments may take place, and – yes – the other party will likely begin to notice that something is wrong but one should never wait for the other person to end the relationship.

Everyone gets broken up with.  If you haven’t ever been in a situation where you have either broken up with someone or been broken up with, I commend your ability to attract good luck.  But it is most important to remember that, while break-ups are emotionally taxing and mentally distressing, if it isn’t working, it isn’t working.  Provided you are sincere, kind, and straightforward, there is no reason the break-up should go sour.  Who knows, you may even get a friend out the situation.  After all, in the words of contemporary spiritualist, Ram Dass, “we’re all just walking each other home”.

Dana Simpson - author for WinkWisely.comDana Simpson is a writer, musician, and university graduate.  Not surprisingly, literature and music are her greatest passions in life alongside travel, human rights and art as a means to social change. Follow Dana on Twitter (@danasimpson) and read more of her work at danasimpson.pressfolios.com.

Posted On: October 9, 2014 0 Comments