Don’t Look for a Husband Online

Posted On: April 17, 2014 0 Comments

Disclaimer: I met my husband online and I’m very happily married. But, when I put up my dating profile I wasn’t looking for a husband. This post is in response to the websites and dating books and philosophies that claim you can simply manifest a husband from wishes and piece of wedding cake shoved under your pillow. There are many women that think online dating is supposed to deliver a husband into their inbox and I’m here to tell you that’s just not how it works.  While it is important to know you’re open to the idea of marriage, it doesn’t mean you should be looking at dating profiles looking for “the one”. There are quite a few things you should nail down before looking for a husband online.

Do you want a role or a relationship?

Dont look for a husband on online datingMany of us go through life with a checklist of what we “should” have in our lives.  It generally includes things like: a great paying job, perfect wedding, awesome husband, house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat and 2 weeks vacation in Hawaii every year.  It’s good to have dreams and goals. But living your life according to a checklist of “shoulds” sidesteps some of the most important elements of having a truly healthy loving relationship and a happy life.

If you insist on having a list, make sure it includes this “should”. You should be giving a whole lot of consideration and thought to the type of person you want to share your life with.  Think beyond appearances, money and superficial trappings.  Invite someone into your life that loves you for exactly who you are.  Don’t look for just any man to fill the role of husband.  Look for someone you truly connect with and if a relationship turns into something more, like marriage, that’s awesome. But don’t let those wedding bell blinders deter you from a casual relationship that could grow into something more or directs you towards dating men who are only looking to check off the “wife” box on their own life checklist.

Want what YOU want

I recently read an article about a woman called the Princeton Mom who stated that women should go to college primarily to find a husband.  She said that they should spend 75% of their time looking for a husband and 25% working on their education. Last time I checked it’s 2014 and women have careers, dreams and aspirations of their own and marriage may be only one of them.  While that philosophy may have worked in 1950 it’s pretty prehistoric now. Some women approach online dating with the same philosophy as the Princeton Mom. Yes the goal of online dating is to find a partner,  but putting that much pressure on meeting and finding a husband is a backwards approach. If you go into every conversation, first date or meeting with a potential suitor trying to shove them into the husband box, it’s going to turn a great opportunity to get to know someone into to a stress filled interview for matrimony.

Consider why you are looking for a husband online. Maybe you’re feeling pressure to get married from family, friends or society in general. In our culture if you’re female and past the age of 27, you’re told that your internal clock is ticking, you’re not getting any younger and you’s better get married soon. If you are using this as your marriage barometer, you’re searching for a partner based on the wrong expectations.

Look for a relationship and love because it’s what you really want and what you’re truly ready for.  This may come as a shock but it’s OK to be single for a little while or a long while if that’s what makes you happy.  We humans often go around looking for love to fill a void rather than because we are really ready for a relationship. I suspect that if you are looking for a Husband (with a capital H) online you are not really ready for a relationship because it means you’re looking for someone to fill a role rather than someone to develop a relationship with.

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Jospeh Campbell

As I mentioned before I meet my husband online. When we started dating, I was going through divorce and being someone’s wife was the last thing on my mind. There were certainly things that made me feel like this could turn into something more. I chose to appreciate every moment for as long as it lasted.

Here’s a secret to knowing when you do have something good. I felt that it could be something more because I wasn’t worrying about where it was going or how long it would last.  I was present in the moment and enjoying what was going on, I wasn’t wondering where things were going, or wondering if he was marriage material. Our relationship naturally unfolded and eventually grew into love and marriage. It’s amazing what happens when you let go of the expectations you have for your life and leave room for unknown possibility.  For me it’s been even better than I could’ve imagined.

The next time you see a website that claims your future husband can be found there, or a read a book that tells you can catch and keep the husband of your dreams, take it with a grain of salt. There is so much more to love and compatibility that needs to be established before you can ever decide that someone is marriage material.

Be confident in who you are. Decide what you want to consciously invite into your life and then radiate that outward your to find someone that gets the gift you are. Don’t go looking for a husband online, look for a partner that enhances the life you already have and for a relationship with room to grow.

Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit

Posted On: April 17, 2014 0 Comments

Let’s Be Honest

Posted On: April 7, 2014 0 Comments

What to do when you get caught online after a dateJust like that, I was caught red-handed online after a first-meet date… He messaged a coy hello – clearly he’d been “caught” as well! Then proceeded to ask for my honest thoughts about our in-person meeting.

What to say, what to say? I mean he truly was a nice enough guy. I just didn’t feel a level of attraction and connection, of maturity and emotional awareness that I was looking for. Even after our slightly flirtatious e-mails and texts. Sure sometimes those things grow or change with more time spent getting to know each other. But other times, you just know.

While I will admit to having used sugar-coated vague excuses or avoidance strategies with awkward conversations, I am actually a promoter of honesty. It’s not always easy. There is often the potential for hurt feelings; for words to come out not quite right and messages to be mixed or unclear; for a friendship to change or end when feelings are not mutual. But thinking about the responses or lack thereof that I have received in the past, it is the clear and honest ones that I have appreciated the most. So many hours of agonizing analysis among friends (would) have been saved by a clear and honest response! If this is what I want from others I encounter in my life, it’s only fair that I offer the same in return.

And so I took a deep breath and carefully typed the truth. In a nice reassuring way of course. He tried to counter-argue at first, but in the end expressed appreciation for my honesty. Rather than waste time convincing me or trying him out, we went our separate ways having crossed off one more name from the on-line list.

I have been in other awkward situations where honesty has proven to be the best policy. Like the on-line suitor who agreed that the first-meet was fun, but he had since moved to a more serious place with someone else met on-line before me. Disappointing, yes. But a much better response than vague excuses or none-at-all.

And the friend who, after months of patient persistence, asked me point-blank why I wouldn’t give “us” a chance? The open and honest conversations that followed, I knew, may have threatened the friendship. But these conversations contain the possibility for meaningful connection as well. Whether for a brief moment over e-mail as with the on-line suitors, or resulting in a closer friendship after time to process!

For some, the honest words to soothe a possibly awkward situation flow easily. For the rest of us there is now help!  The Awkward Human Survival Guide: How to Handle Life’s Most Uncomfortable Situations offers suggestions. This book was being promoted on one of those panel talk-shows on TV the other day, where they zeroed in on the awkward situation of how to tell someone you are not interested in them. I have to say I agreed with their general consensus of the best way to do so:

Be Kind and Direct.

Be Honest and Clear.

Be sure to leave no room for speculation by ending the comment(s) with a confident period.

~ BA.

WWbethAnnBeth Ann is an aspiring relationship counsellor and closet romantic. Broken, bruised, and blessed by love; continually seeking to re-discover hope for herself, her friends, and future clients!

Posted On: April 7, 2014 0 Comments

8 Tips for Writing the First Message

Posted On: March 31, 2014 0 Comments

The old adage is true even in online dating, you never get a second chance to make a first impression…

8 Tips for Writing the First Message online dating

A little effort goes a long way, put some thought into it!

  1. Skip the winky faces. If your message is full of sexual innuendos, no one will believe you have a lasting relationship on your mind.
  2. Ask a question about a hobby or goal listed on their profile. It shows you care enough to do a little research and gives them incentive to write back.
  3. Keep it casual. Don’t ask for contact details right away, and don’t share them either. Let the connection grow before throwing in a cell number or friend request.
  4. Make it personal. A generic message is about as subtle as neon paint. Take the time to read someone’s profile and tailor your message accordingly.
  5. Keep it short and sweet. Include a few lines to open the dialogue and create interest, but don’t drag it out – let them come to you.
  6. Find common ground. Whether it’s a shared goal or the same pizza joint, mentioning a common interest will create an instant connection.
  7. Show some personality. Your first message shouldn’t read like a cover letter. Throw in a joke or a quirky fact – it will help you stand out in someone’s inbox.
  8. Do your research. Don’t message someone based solely on a picture – read their profile to make sure you find common ground and no red flags.

What is your first message strategy? If what you’re doing isn’t working it is probably time to switch things up a little!

Posted On: March 31, 2014 0 Comments

Spring Clean Your Profile! 8 Ways to Improve Your Online Dating Profile

Posted On: March 28, 2014 0 Comments

With spring right around the corner (hopefully!), here are some easy and effective ways to spruce up your profile and enjoy more dating success this season.

Spring Cleaning for your dating profile

  1. Did you list yoga as an interest because you had really, really good intentions to start? Update your interests so they accurately reflect how you spend your time.
  2. Get specific! If you like travelling, mention your favourite destination and what kind of trip you love. A few simple details will help people paint a fuller picture.
  3. Any mention of past relationships or dating woes should immediately encounter the backspace key. Remove negativity from your profile and focus on moving forward.
  4. Spel chek. Take a few minutes (right now!) to comb through your profile and look for any spelling or grammar errors you may have missed.
  5. Did you recently chop off your hair? No matter how great you look, potential dates don’t want to feel duped. Make sure your profile includes current photos! (See: How to Choose the Right Profile Picture)
  6. Delete any mention of how embarrassed you are to be online dating. It’s a not-so-subtle way of insulting your entire audience.
  7. Ask a close friend to review your profile. An outside perspective will shed light on how accurately your profile portrays the real you.
  8. Nobody wants to read a novel or a haiku – check your word count! Successful dating profiles are approximately 250 words long.

What do you think makes a successful online dating profile?

Posted On: March 28, 2014 0 Comments