Are you Blindly Dating?

Posted On: July 23, 2014 0 Comments

Dating blindWe all know what a blind date is. That’s where you go out on a date with someone you’ve never met and only know what a friend or family member has told you about them. It can be exciting and scary. The experience is fraught with both potential and risk. But, are you blindly dating? Even if you’ve been out on a few dates with someone you may still be blindly dating them.

Why are you settling?

Blindly dating is when you date with little to no filter to help guide you. You go out with anyone and everyone, even the toxic ones waving red flags, because you haven’t spent the time to really figure out what you want. You ignore your gut and go out with the shiniest prettiest baubles and bad boys/girls. Once the dust clears you wonder why once again your relationship is less than stellar. Maybe your goal for dating is to simply not to be alone and so you are willing settle for less. We are not here to be mediocre and have lackluster relationships. Your car buying abilities may actually help you find love and not settle.

I know exactly what I want… in my new car

Let’s pretend that you need to buy a new car. What would be the first thing you’d do? First you’d consider what you need the car for: getting to work, buying groceries, going on road trips, getting yourself and your family from here to there, etc. You would probably do some research online to get an idea of the kinds of cars that are available and note the mileage and the features that they come with. Does it have an mp3 player? Is it environmentally conscious? Is it safe? Does it come with airbags? Can it go off-road? You’ll may even ask friends and family for recommendations on what they think. You might recall how some past cars worked for you, or didn’t ,and use that knowledge to help you pick a new car that will meet your current needs.

What you wouldn’t do is walk onto a car lot, close your eyes, spin yourself around and buy the first car you bump into, like an automobile version of pin the tail on the donkey. Because a car is such a big investment you would give some serious thought to what you want and need from it. I suspect most people give more thought to the purchase of a new car then they do in the type of people they date. Why would you spend more time figuring out what you want in a car then you do in figuring out what you want in a relationship?

Take the steering wheel!

Take charge of your love life. Why not apply some of your car buying tactics to help you stop blindly dating? Give real consideration to what you’re looking for in a relationship. Continuing that car analogy, consider some of these questions when venturing into a new relationship:

How’s the mileage?

  • Are you looking for a short or long term relationship?
  • Do you want to get married someday?
  • Have they been married before? Are they still in contact with their ex?
  • Does it matter if they are older or younger than you?

What features are you looking for?

  • Do you want someone who loves to be in public and thrives on going out to dinner and concerts or are you more of a home body?
  • Do you want to have kids/pets? Are you OK with them having kids/pets?
  • Do you like to hike trails and scale mountains or do you prefer to be more of an armchair traveler?
  • Do you like to have long intense conversations or do you prefer to keep it brief? What do you prefer in your partner?
  • Are there any features that are must-have deal breakers?

Is it safe?

  • Do you see some red flags in their behavior?
  • Do they trash talk their ex?
  • Do they speak longingly of their ex?
  • Do they seem overly possessive?
  • Do they imbibe just a bit too much?
  • Do they have extreme high’s and lows or seem to wade deeply into drama?

Previous history

  • What about your past partners worked for you? What didn’t?
  • What’s a feature you have never had in your relationships that you would like to have in the future?
  • What is a pattern in your past relationships that you don’t want in future ones?

There are many factors that we consider critical to car buying, but for some reason we gloss over when we date. But you can see they aren’t all that different. I’m not advocating having a strict unmovable list of absolutes when looking for a partner. In fact for the greatest success in dating and you should start out with some well established guide posts and apply them with an open mind.

Help magic along

You can’t get what you want in life if you don’t know what you want. You can’t expect people to materialize in your life and hope that the perfect features, behaviors and scenarios will magically appear without a little work on your part. Go on blind dates, but don’t blindly date. You can’t get to your desired destination without have some map of how to get there and what the destination will like. Without that, you’re going to settle for a whole lot less than you deserve and be very disappointed. Life is too short and too precious to settle.


Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com.

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net




Posted On: July 23, 2014 0 Comments




Why Rules & Games Won’t Help You Find Real Love

Posted On: July 18, 2014 0 Comments

If you're playing games, finding true love is just not in the cards.

If you’re playing games, finding true love is just not in the cards.

Do a search on the internet and you’ll find an endless supply of people that guarantee they have the rules that will win you a husband or games that will help you get that hot chick in bed. Some even claim and that their rules and games will actually help you to find lasting love.

While these systems may give you tactics to attract partners, they pretty much leave you on your own when it comes to having any sort of a healthy relationship. As a relationship expert it frustrates me to no end that people fall for these quick fixes thinking it will create a real relationship.  Games and rules don’t work when it comes to finding and keeping love.

We all have to start somewhere when it comes to dating

I will admit that some of the rules and games may give you a few extra tools to help you break the ice and to more confidently dive into the dating pool, but used them cautiously.  The Rules are aimed at women looking for a committed long term relationship.They essentially tell women to play inaccessible and hard-to-get in order to acquire  a husband.  The Games, are tactics created by the Pick-Up Artist (PUA) community. These games are designed to be foolproof tools that will help men successfully seduce women. Users of these games are encouraged to do things that prove they’re  socially desirable and  tease the object of their affection with “playful” criticisms and rehearsed lines.

Both of these approaches rely heavily on manipulation to create attraction, interest and desire.  In my opinion this is not really a great way to start off a relationship. Below are some of my least favorite rules & games:

RULES FOR HER

  • Don’t talk to the man first (and don’t ask him to dance)
    Really?  I can’t believe this is even one of the rules. We’re in the year 2014 not 1950.  If you see someone you like and feel moved to talk to them…go talk to them! It’s a pretty dated idea to think a man is going to be scared away by a woman that’s confident.  If you see a person you like, by all means seize that opportunity.  If it turns out that the man in question finds your approach too direct, consider yourself lucky that you found that out early. Find a man who appreciates your strength.
  • Don’t  accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday
    I assume that this means someone should give you more than 2 days notice if they want to go out on a date with you.  I understand this from a common courtesy standpoint, but things happen, people get busy.  I do agree that if someone your dating makes a habit of calling you at the last minute for a date, that might be a bigger issue.  But it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept Saturday plans after Wednesday, not some stupid rules.
  • Don’t call him and rarely return his calls
    This is just rude and downright  manipulative, but sadly I think that anyone under the age of 28 seems to ignore anything that isn’t texted or tweeted to them these days. So this may be more of a norm than I care to admit. If someone calls you and you’re interested in them, by ALL MEANS RESPOND!  What kind of tone are you setting for a potential relationship if you come across as flaky and rude because you can’t return a phone call? I think the only time this is acceptable is when you really aren’t interested and then your non-response is the message.

Final Verdict on Rules – All of these rules are “her” responses to “his” actions.  If you are really looking for a lasting relationship take charge of it in a positive way. Be an active participant, not a passive aggressive antagonist. Good relationships are built on honesty and compassion, not a manipulation of his feelings to make him want and love you.

GAMES FOR HIM

  • Negging – dropping subtle insults into a conversation to bring the girl down a notch and increase the pick-up-artists social value, thus making him seem more desirable.
    Relationships should be based on the meeting of two equals, not with someone who makes you feel like crap about yourself and therefore encourages you to work as hard as possible to win their approval.  Men, if you feel you need to criticize someone in order to get them to like you, you need to see a therapist.
  • Kino – subtle touching to get a women in the mood and to test if she is receptive.
    While I think to some degree this is what men naturally do to test the waters, doing it in a contrived way is just downright icky.  If you’re both having a good time on a date, things like touch and physical connection should be able to happen naturally.  You’ll have more success if you pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues and focus on being present in the moment, rather than planning your next Casanova move.
  • Multiple Location First Date – Going to a number of places during the first night of meeting someone, so feels like you have known each other longer than you have and can score faster.
    This reminds me of those romantic comedies where two strangers meet and in one night they have all these zany adventures and fall in love at the end.  I get how having a number of shared experiences in a short amount of time can make you feel like you know someone better than you do and as a result accelerate the relationship.  The problem I have with it is knowing someone is doing it, not because the night naturally progressed that way, but because they planned to take you on a tour of the city with the goal of getting you into bed.

Final Verdict on Games – The games all have one major goal in mind: Force attraction and a sense of familiarity so you can get them into bed.  While there may be some good tactics for men to help them feel more confident with the opposite sex, these games are forced, contrived and creepy. If you refer to your dating life in terms of “game” you need to grow up and stop toying with people’s emotions. The best it will get you is some phone numbers and a reputation as a jerk.

You can’t manipulate your way to real love

The rules and games are deliberate and contrived actions that require an unhealthy use of manipulation.  While these tactics may work at getting someone’s attention they’re  going to be no use to someone trying to find and maintain a long term relationship. Relationships started on rules and games are based on smoke and mirrors.

If you feel compelled to use rules and games, use them sparingly and liberally sprinkle with common sense and compassion. Sorry to burst your bubble,  but there is no foolproof system to meet your ideal partner. A relationship worth having takes work, letting your guard down and being real and does not include manipulating your way into someone’s heart.


Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com.

Image courtesy of ponsuwan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net




Posted On: July 18, 2014 0 Comments




Getting Your Online Dating Profile Critiqued to Learn How to Improve Your Chances

Posted On: July 17, 2014 0 Comments

Online Dating Profile HelpWriting a great online dating profile is tricky, and often intimidating. People are excited to give a new dating site a chance, take the time to sign up, and then end up racking their brain to try to come up with witty things to say. Making a good first impression is key in many aspects of life, and this definitely includes online dating, where your profile is your first impression.

Many people write things in their profile that turn people off, sometimes instantly, and the worst thing about this issue is that they don’t even know about it! Perhaps your grammar is awful, or perhaps you talk too much about going to the bar, or you’ve got your shirt off and sunglasses on in your profile picture. You could be killing your chances at great results without even realizing it.

There’s a new service available to help with this issue, Anterose – Online Dating Profile Critiques. While there have been professional online dating coaches selling their services online for years now, Anterose takes a different approach and offers group feedback of profile reviews. It’s quicker and a lot cheaper than the professional services ($19 for Anterose versus $50 to $1500 for professional coaches). The service allows you to upload your profile securely to be privately reviewed by ten men or women (you pick which gender’s opinion you’re interested in). You then ask five to ten questions to the reviewers, such as “which picture should I use for my profile?” or “How does my headline sound?” or “What should I write more about and what should I cut out?” Beyond choosing the gender of reviewers, customers can also select the age range, so that they are getting the opinion of the type of people that interests them. Tons of popular sample questions are available, or you can write your own questions.

It’s fascinating to see what feedback people get. Often it’s the case that people have no idea what is turning off visitors to their profile, and then easily find out with the reviews. Having ten reviews at a time allows trends, so that it’s easy to see the common complaints and suggestions.  The service is similar to when a guy sits down to have a female friend look over his profile and make suggestions. Anterose just took that process and made it automated, with customers receiving initial feedback usually within one hour.

What do you do with the feedback? Review it, process it, and then get to work tweaking your profile so that you’ll get better results! Customers see an increase in responses to messages, more initial contacts from the kind of people they are looking for, and more actual dates. Often, Anterose customers tweak after their first order, and then come back for further refinement with a second order.

Anterose is running a special for all MateCheck fans until the end of August. By using the coupon “MATECHECK”, you can try the service for $5 off, making it only $14 to find out how to improve your profile. Give it a try today at anterose.com and see what you learn about your profile.

Image courtesy of renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net




Posted On: July 17, 2014 0 Comments




Some Red Flags You’re Ignoring

Posted On: July 17, 2014 0 Comments

You go out on a date with someone and you’re quickly drawn in. They seem like a great catch. But there was something that wasn’t quite right. Maybe it was a fact that they showed up 30 minutes late and didn’t bother to call. Maybe it’s the exceptionally colorful drama packed stories that make up their daily life.  Maybe it’s the way they always expect you to foot the bill or fix their problems. Whatever it is, something doesn’t feel right.  Now is a good time to ask yourself, why are you ignoring the red flags?

Red Flag Caution - Don't Ignore them in relationshipsThey’re  so great, if only they wouldn’t…

When you have chemistry with someone, it’s easy to overlook things that might under other circumstances be cause for concern. You really want it to work and they seem great in so many other ways. Plus, you’re having those feel good blissed out vibes and it’s easy to justify the less favorable actions of someone as a one-time thing.  We want so much to believe that their unfortunate behavior was a fluke.  It might be…but it might not.

Trust your gut

I’m not talking about little things, I’m talking about behaviors that violate your boundaries or make you feel that you don’t rank very high on their list of priorities (or in some cases too high). They’re usually easy to recognize because when they happen there’s this feeling in your gut that lets you know something’s not quite right. Unfortunately your desire to keep this person in your life encourages you push aside your feelings and concerns.  You let things slide that may turn out to be the tip of the iceberg.

Here are some red flags to look out for:

  • Major drama happening in their life that seems to be never ending
    We all have drama from time to time in our lives. But the basis for a thriving life is to keep drama to a minimum. Unfortunately there are some people that seem to have a long pattern of it and even search it out or create it.  If every time you talk to them, all hell is breaking lose, be warned.
  • They always need something from you: a ride, money, assistance of some sort
    It’s wise to pick partners that have their financial and emotional lives in order.  Anyone that constantly pressures you for assistance is someone you should steer clear of or at the very least set very clear boundaries with.  Either they don’t realize constantly asking for something is bad form or they are doing it on purpose to see how far they can push you.  Either way you’ll end up giving far more than you ever receive in that relationship.
  • They’re  inconsiderate when it comes to time, your feelings (or anyone else’s) and the world at large
    Some people are what I to refer to as “on their own planet”.  Whatever is going on in their world is the most important thing and they’re pretty oblivious of the impact of their selfish behavior.  They’re chronically and unapologetically late with no consideration for others. They rudely treat servers and checkout people like their personal staff.  They dismiss your feelings as unimportant when you bring them up.  The only things they seem to care about are their own comfort, wants and desires. This behavior doesn’t make for a healthy relationship and when things get tough it’s going to be a war not a partnership.
  • They want you all to themselves and get jealous when you spend time with others
    When we first fall in love generally all we want to do is spend time with our new love. That’s understandable within reason.  Separate time is also important so that you can get some perspective and at least miss your heart’s desire.  If the person you are seeing gets jealous and possessive when you spend time with others, be cautious.  Healthy relationships are built on trust and also a little personal space.  A possessive partner can be a sign of some potentially bad things to come if you’re not careful. If you are feeling suffocated, step away from that relationship!
  • They tell you to only call at certain times or under certain circumstances and have cryptic explanations about their life
    If the person you’re seeing gets weird about when, where and how you can contact or see them, be wary.  They may have a bunch more going on in their lives then they are telling you about, like another relationship, family or maybe they’re  some kind of super villain.  If something seems oddly complicated about how you’re allowed to contact or communicate with them, ask some questions until you get some reasonable answers and even then take it with a grain of salt.

When you look at these red flags (and these are only a few) think about how you would feel if someone you were dating did them?  Would you be OK with them? Would you think they were inappropriate?  Would you feel it in your gut?  I know I would!

Do you want any relationship or a good relationship?

Many of these things cross lines and boundaries and it’s up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. Sometimes we settle for less than ideal situations because it’s better than what we’ve had in the past.  If you allow these kinds of things go on in your relationship and say nothing about it, you’re essentially saying they’re OK.  Make sure that what you are agreeing to in a budding relationship is really what you heart and mind want.

What you see is what you get

If someone starts off a relationship stomping on your boundaries and raising red flags, things are unlikely to change without action on your part. Do have a conversation with them about how certain things make you feel, but don’t be surprised if they’re not willing to change. People worth having a relationship with are willing to have the crunchy conversations in order to build a better healthier partnership.

Some red flags aren’t

One final word about these red flags.  Sometimes something that initially looks like a red flag truly was a fluke.  Which is why the most important thing you can do with someone you’re dating is to voice your concerns.  That way you can sort out misunderstandings early on and move forward together or move on to a relationship that is s better fit and honors what is important to you.


Cija Black WInk Wisely Guest Post

Cija Black is a love expert, author, blogger, online educator and host of the “Love Bombs” podcast. For more information about Cija, the books, class or podcast, visit modernloveguide.com.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net




Posted On: July 17, 2014 0 Comments